I asked the surgeon if I could go back to work. He seemed surprised that I asked but signed me off. My employer tried to find someone to replace me while I was gone so long but rehired me as soon as the release form came through to their email. Now I feel like I really owe them for everything they’ve done for me while I was away. They were actually paying for my insurance coverage even though I wasn’t getting paid after using up all of my FMLA short term disability. On top of that they gave me a raise. But I think I made a mistake. I came back to early. I thought I was ok because I got up to walking a mile everyday but that didn’t include other physical motions. I had my regular doctors appointment last week and told her I went back to work and she seemed concerned. She mentioned four to six months is normal for the surgery I had. It’s only been two and a half months for me. After my third week at work I’m certain I’m not ready to return, so after work (and during) I’m taking pain meds. The meds make me active before totally kicking in and knocking me out. But during the active time I’m trying to learn watercolor painting. It’s difficult and possibly one of the harder things to learn. But I’m trying to get depth with layers. The subject isn’t the focal point.
After digging through my stuff and pulling out frames from/for my last post which I deleted because I’m really fcked in the head. I started going through my work and organizing it and came across a few things I forgot about. A lot was obviously practice with different things (“things” was the best word I could come up with) like pencil, watercolor, ink, colored pencil, etc. I found this Peace sign. I was just trying to figure out watercolor, so that and the subject aren’t really the topic. It’s what I was thinking. I think too much, but don’t analyze or process what I think about. Or maybe I do. Things I think about don’t have a direct impact on my daily life or the way I interact with others but it does manifest into ways I shouldn’t think in the first place. Like now. Now I’m just going through words and thoughts that are completely meaningless but have kept your attention long enough to read this far. There are no key words or a twist of ideas. These are just words, thoughts, ideas I’ve put out to keep someone’s attention long enough until I get to a point I may or may not have. So here is a Peace Sign I painted and threw in a pile and forgot about. Also remember, pain medication is not your friend. It’s who you thought you could be if you’d really think about it another way.
These are just things I’ve done between pain medication coma’s. They’re just simple watercolors until I faded back out. When I get better there will be more hopefully.
I’ll be back sometime…
(hope I don’t sound like a blathering sponge)
I don’t make friends with anyone. I know people but that’s as far as I go. If I like you, I like you. If not, who cares. But I did make a friend for a while. This was at work, too. I’ve never been friends with people at work. I never participated in work gatherings or parties. I made it a point when ever I was hired that I’ll only do what was discussed in the interview.
The lady that hired me where I’m employed now decided she wanted to transfer. She wasn’t very trustworthy and tried to take as much from everyone as she could with nothing in return. A about six months ago a new manager arrives. I only said “Hi”, shook her hand and went back to work. She liked that. I found out later she’s exactly like me. We both said we were separated at birth. Then we started helping and watching out for each other. We actually respected each other as human beings. We don’t like crowds, we don’t like eating with other people, we never talked about ourselves. I showed her my Youtube videos and she liked that I trusted her enough to open up about my personal life. No one but you guys, my Deviantart and Youtube followers know I do this. I don’t talk about it or show it to anyone. But then out of nowhere she announces she’s leaving. I was losing a friend that I wanted to be friends with. I had to put my wall back up and start the mental defriending process. She’s married with a family and I didn’t want to interfere in that. The last few days being around her at work was difficult, she even mentioned I didn’t care she was leaving. That was the furthest thing from the truth. I made this card for her. I don’t do things like this. The residents had a party for her leaving and I didn’t go in there. I’m sure that hurt her. But I did slip this onto her desk. A few hours later I was siting in my lounge and she came in almost in tears. She said this wasn’t expected out of me and knew it was difficult for me to do. She loved it because it was from the heart and it had colors. She said “I know you don’t do huggies and don’t like people touching you so fist bump?”. We did and I left that day knowing I had met someone I was honored to have had crossed paths with. She’ll be my friend in memory.
I don’t have anything to say.
I actually had a few people at Deviant Art that were inspired by my playing card drawings and some have been pretty helpful with the idea. I’m trying color just to experiment. I read most cards have blue, yellow and red. So I get my pencils and paints out. I was kind of surprised my Prismacolor pencils didn’t work with this the way I wanted. Crayola was junk and I’m using Colore’ Colored Pencils. These weren’t cheap either. I only have two watercolor options and the tubes weren’t one of them this time.
These are just ideas/ experiments mostly with colors which I’m terrible with. This first one was done on the sketchpad using colored pencils underneath the dotwork.
The second one is watercolor and I have no idea how to use them properly. I’m just creating colored shadows to go under the dotwork which I’ll be adding later. I’m recording this one as a video so it will take more time plus I have to let it dry before moving on to the next step.