I’m just trying to get into the motion and thoughts. There’s just lines then more lines. I only work on it before I go to bed. It’s kind of a new born meaning to it. This is practice for now. I’ll do a little more but not much. I’m almost borderline fucking it up.
I’m recording it for another video. It takes longer when I have my phone cam directly in front of my face. The recording, being so close to my face, picks up my breathing and lip chewing. It sounds like an ape eating pudding with a fork.
I’m getting better.
Less pain, more brain.
This was the day before I stopped working. It’s around February 14, 2018. My back hurt so bad and nothing was getting rid of the excruciating pain I’d endured for over 5 years. I remember standing at the elevator at work. Leaning against the wall, I told someone how much pain I was in. In minutes I was surrounded by a crowd but couldn’t tell who was who. A bottle of medication was put in my hand and the words, “this will help you” stuck in my memory. The medication was put in my pocket and I went to the unused office on the third floor. I had to escape from everyone for a while. I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to be consoled, I didn’t want sympathy. I just wanted to not be in pain. The office door closed behind me. The room was hot, everyone I work with wants heat. That’s all I feel all day is heat and hot. I hate the heat, that’s why I left Florida. I opened the windows and let the cool February air in. It wasn’t freezing cold but the wind was blowing pretty good. I could hear tree branches snapping in the woods. Then I pulled the bottle of pills out someone gave me. It said “take as needed” so I kept reading. The letters Oxycodone appeared and I thought now way. I’m not going to be an addict but the pain said otherwise. In the mini-frig was a half a bottle of water. Against my best judgment I washed down my first ever non-prescribed narcotic then laid flat on the floor to relieve the pressure from my back. I could hear people in the hallway going about their lives and I could feel the effects of the medication. I relaxed as I laid on the floor. I could hear the wind blowing through the trees. I don’t know how much time went by but my pain was bearable. I sat in a chair and stared out the window. This is what I saw, the trees blowing in the wind. I sat there for what seemed like an hour but in actuality it was minutes. I sat there and recorded the last moments of how my life was then. My final words were sent to my manager, “I have to leave now”, not knowing when, if ever, I was coming back.
I was sketching out some ideas. Afterwards I decided to try and combine several of them. I referred back to a couple of old drawings and put everything together as one. Then it’s sat here for five days. I’ll stop by and stare at it daring to add or subtract, daring to start putting ink over the outlines. This got me to thinking, this is how I think about everything. Everything has to be planned and organized ahead of time. Nothing can be added or taken away without carefully thinking it out. Nothing can be thrown at me after this process and if there is, I stop. At work if there’s a meeting, which I hate, it’s rare that I attend. If I’m given too much notice I over think it and it becomes a huge problem. The thought of doing something out of my normal life flow just flips me out. Last minute changes to plans have the same affect. But anyway, this is my new project #96.
I asked the surgeon if I could go back to work. He seemed surprised that I asked but signed me off. My employer tried to find someone to replace me while I was gone so long but rehired me as soon as the release form came through to their email. Now I feel like I really owe them for everything they’ve done for me while I was away. They were actually paying for my insurance coverage even though I wasn’t getting paid after using up all of my FMLA short term disability. On top of that they gave me a raise. But I think I made a mistake. I came back to early. I thought I was ok because I got up to walking a mile everyday but that didn’t include other physical motions. I had my regular doctors appointment last week and told her I went back to work and she seemed concerned. She mentioned four to six months is normal for the surgery I had. It’s only been two and a half months for me. After my third week at work I’m certain I’m not ready to return, so after work (and during) I’m taking pain meds. The meds make me active before totally kicking in and knocking me out. But during the active time I’m trying to learn watercolor painting. It’s difficult and possibly one of the harder things to learn. But I’m trying to get depth with layers. The subject isn’t the focal point.
I got started on the clock last week. I Googled photos of clocks to try for accuracy or just to see if I knew what I was doing. Then I started coming across the mechanisms inside pocket watches and the gears inside. Then my idea turned to adding a gear to the drawing. I’ve never drawn a gear so I had to look up how to. Fuck that, there was too much math involved so I improvised and drew them off the mandala technique. Then I also noticed inside the mechanical gears were layers of them, so adding one gear turned into five. But then my skull was looking too small. This was redone and the lower jaw was added to fill in more space. I was erasing so much plus getting lost in the over lapping gear lay out that I had to use a fine line to keep track of everything. So here’s the beginning of the idea, I’m sure it will change.
I have ideas but no motivation.
This was posted in January 2nd, 2018 but took it down.
It’s nowhere to be found in any of my folders or sketchpads.
I’ll keep looking but there’s not many places these are stored in.